Another disappointment

It seems as though every time I go to the dr there is more disappointing news.  I hear the same things…you are only ovulating on the right side (sorry I don’t have a tube there so we can’t do anything), you have a cyst (sorry we can’t do anything until the cyst is gone), and so on.  I try to be patient, I try to have faith, I try to stay positive, but in the end…I still get bad news.

Last weekend, we went again to the dr.  Hooray!  The cyst was gone.  Hooray!  I can start a new treatment plan…shots.  Phil and I are okay with that.  We are okay with twins, we just want a baby.  The shots weren’t bad…I survived.  The side effects weren’t bad…I can do this.

I go to get checked on today and of course my dr isn’t there.  Some stupid physicians assistant is there who doesn’t know me from Adam.  She doesn’t know my past, she doesn’t know what we have gone through, she doesn’t know the heartache and doesn’t seem to care.  Low and behold…I am ovulating on the wrong side…AGAIN!  There were two very small ones on the left (the correct side) but nothing will come of them.  So…here I am, another failed month, another month that I can sit and worry that a cyst will form and if one does, then another failed month after that.

I look around at people with their kids and think it isn’t fair.  Why can’t this be us?  Why can’t we have the one thing that we want more than anything?  Teenagers get pregnant like it is nobodys business.  People who don’t want kids get pregnant like it is nobodys business…and yet…we have been trying for two years, forking over thousands of dollars to get help and my body won’t cooperate.

How can you stay positive and keep up the hope when so much seems to be working against you?  This was supposed to be our month…we started on “Labor” day…

The Beginning

From a small child, I always wanted to be a mom.  I carried around baby dolls and knew that one day I would be and it would be amazing.  You hear as you grow up that you can’t have children yet…you are too young, not married, etc.  Once I met my husband, I knew that we would be amazing parents together.  Let me say, I am only sharing my story, in hopes that I can help someone else or that maybe someone can help us.  It frustrates me that infertility and miscarriages are the two big taboo words out there in this world.  Why is this?  I was amazed at how many people keep quiet about this.  I wish I could, but I am the type of person who needs to know the answers, wants to know the whys, and wants to know that I am not alone out there.  This is our story…to date.

You may wonder why this blog is entitled, “How to Eat an Elephant”.  My husband has asked me as we go through all of this, how do you eat an elephant?  His answer, one bite at a time.  How does this relate to our situation?  It relates because we have to take it one day at a time.  We can’t rush…one test, one doctor appointment, one day…you can’t do it all in one bite!

After a year of trying to get pregnant my doctor started to run tests.  Through these tests, we found out that my right fallopen tube was not functioning the way it should be and it was due to me having my appendix burst at a young age.  The scar tissue had built up and was causing it to be inflamed and to not work.  I had to have it removed.  I was devastated because what would that mean for my chances of getting pregnant?  After the surgery we tried for about six more months and decided to go for a consulation at a fertility clinic.  When we went, we heard about our options and decided the next month we would start.

Cue the music…we didn’t have to start, we had a positive pregnancy test!  It was a miracle.  We went to our first doctor appointment at 8 weeks only to have our heart be ripped out and smashed…the baby was not there.  Everything was there, but the baby.  It is called a blighted ovum.  It is when your body realizes immediately that the baby will not be healthy and gets rid of it on its own.  However, your body doesn’t realize this happened for a while, so you still have the pregnancy symptoms, the sac, etc.  Four weeks after that dreaded day, I finally miscarried.  I was heartbroken.  Again, I was asked…how do you eat an elephant?  We knew it was a sign from God telling us that we were able to get pregnant, but this was not our time.

In March of this year, we went back to fertility.  We are starting out small and simple.  Clomid hormones and IUI (intra uterine insemination).  We have had two failed attemps and three months of ovulating on the side without the fallopean tube and/or cysts.

Our hope is that this month, we will start with injectable hormones and IUI.  Our prayer is that this will work.  Our prayer is that now is our time to be parents.

I feel very alone at times.  I feel like my friends and family around me have not had to go through this, but they are the most supportive people I have come across.  So why me?  What is the reason for this?  Hopefully, as we share our story, and update as we go along, we can help others, find answers, and believe that we will be parents soon!